Then I snapped to and suddenly felt extremely sad. "Damn," I told Hubby, "for such an awesome beginning, I sure didn't turn out how I should have. That's like, a movie-star beginning. I mean you can't make this shit up. I had an awesome beginning to my life story... and now look at me." I pouted. And then I heard the voice-over again, this time repeating it to Hubby, word for word and in the same deep tone of voice. "She was the only girl born that day, a little pink blanket in a sea of blue... and now she's a boring frumpy housewife. The end." He looked at me and suppressed a laugh. He thought I was cute. He always thinks I'm cute. It's because he's smarter than me. Smart people always think we less-smart folk are "cute" in an endearing way... like a puppy that chases it's tail or a toddler that's happy when it poops or something. I knew he'd have something to say that would make complete sense and make my argument with myself invalid, so I blabbed on before he could impart any wisdom. "It's not funny," I told him, sulking, "It's horrible really. I always thought I'd be bigger than life. I've always felt bigger than life... I still do! But I didn't turn out that way. I didn't turn out the way I was supposed to. I'm just a boring, frumpy housewife who's existence in the scheme of things really doesn't count for much."
And then he opened his perfectly formed mouth. (Damn him for being smart and sexy...) "Your life is what you made of it. You're exactly where you're supposed to be and you mean the world to me and the kids."
Well shit. What can you say to that?
He's right though. (He always is, damn him again). Life is what you make of it. If you don't like it, then do something about it. (He's forever telling me that). We're not little puppets bouncing around the planet and God's not up there pulling our strings... He gave us free will. The universe is a place we live, not some divine entity picking us up in it's whirlwind of wisdom and plopping us down where it thinks we're supposed to be. Karma didn't decide to be a bitch to the bad people of the world for their crappy deeds or to hand out cosmic goody-bags to good people for their good deeds. Fate isn't life's crossing guard determining which way we go... and so forth and so on. I know, deep down in my core, that using any of those as an excuse to determine why our lives are the way they are, or even which way they should go, is flat out ridiculous. But it's so easy to take any one of them and hobble through life using it as a crutch. (I know because I do it all the time).
The fact is sometimes life's vicious, sometimes it's perfect, and most of the time it's somewhere in the middle. That's just life. Using fate as a compass instead of common sense is a surefire way to get lost. Because in the end every single decision we make, from the smallest to the most monumental, puts us exactly where we are at this moment in time. Which, coincidentally, is exactly where we're supposed to be! Recognizing that helps us in plotting a course for the future, instead of being swept along with the daily grind. It gives us power. It is power. So anyway, no I'm not a famous singer/actor/writer/whatever-famous-person; I'm just a boring, frumpy housewife. Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I'm the one who decided that's who/where/what I was going to be. And now knowing this, when I look back on the first half of my life, I'm happy I did. :)
(I'm gonna just say it... I was an ugly baby)
Photo By: Teh Baby Hospital, circa 1975