That's right, Momcore. I'm coining that and you can't stop me.
We're the ones who say, "Back in my day we didn't have 472 subgroups of freaks. We had one group of outcasts and we all had to just learn to get along: punks, hippies, metalheads, potheads, geeks, goths... they just called us all alternatives back then. Ramble, ramble, blah, blah, blah, memories..."
Ahhh... the good old days.
You all of the new generation need to know something: We Momcore bitches are the coolest of the cool, even if cool isn't cool anymore.
You Crust Punks think you're bad ass? You ain't got nothing on us... We have another humans beings vomit crusted down the front of our shirts... sometimes two or three other peoples, actually. And probably their shit too. Lice? Hahaha... been there, done that. Several times in fact. We invented crust punk. No literally... we invented you... as in gave birth to you. I'm pretty sure I know some of your parents. Now go home and get cleaned up. Your mom told me you're having dinner with your Grammie tonight.
You Emo Hipsters - (yes I'm lumping you all together because you look the damn same) - with your too thick glasses and scraggly beards just think you're hipper than hep, huh? Just where did you get those glasses? Probably at the Goodwill. And we probably donated them because we needed even thicker, stronger prescription glasses as we aged. We blame that on you, you know. We can't see due to all the fucking squinting we've done over the years: reading you the same bedtime story 197 times in a row, watching you on stage at your numerous recitals, crying over you for the good and the bad. So you're welcome for the glasses... and all that other stuff as well. Oh and thanks for fucking up our hormones with your birth. We now have scraggly beards too.
Nintendo Core...pffft. WTF is that? Is that even a thing? No. It's nothing. Nothing I tell you! We were around for Texas Instruments and Atari. PONG. That's right. Pong. That's all I've got to say about that. Now get off the damn PS4 and go clean your room!! I'm not asking again.
Popcore Dork and Scene Queen... where to begin... We told you 9 years ago to clean up the finger paints!! We can't believe you've not gotten around to it. That's ok though. We still have paint all over us too... from painting over the Justin Bieber mural in your bedroom that you had us do when you were 10. We blame ourselves though... perhaps it was the mushrooms we ate in the early 90s. You're the poster child for the lingering, damaging effects of hallucinogenics. We're so sorry about that... we love you despite your neon madness.
Oh you Steam Punks with your fancy gadgets and utility belts. It's a nice concept, really. I like fancy old-timey things too (seeing as I am a fancy old-timer myself). But have you looked in our purses lately?? Understand that we could bring down cthulhu with a mere flick of our overloaded key ring. Octopus? What octopus?! We gave birth to and raised your wiggly asses. Try dressing/feeding/bathing a two year old. Or a preschooler, a toddler, and an infant all at the same time. I see your octopus and raise you a confused husband. You'll see... one day you too will have an octopus or two of your very own. I'll feed it lots of candy and then send it home to you.
Wicked Juggalos. Oh my. We don't blame ICP, once again we blame ourselves. It was that time we dressed as a clown for your 3rd birthday party, wasn't it? We are so, so very sorry. Mommy loves you. Now please, honey, take the clown paint off of your chubby little face and let's go to therapy. Your appointment's at 3:30. Hurry up, I said... yes we can get McDonald's afterward, if you hurry.
As far as the rest of you go... I swear I'm not picking on you all. I was a weirdo once myself in the long, long time ago. I have the faded, shitty tattoos and grown-over piercing scars in my face/body to prove it. Sometimes I still bust out my Ministry, or Ramones, or Primus, or Depeche Mode CDs (yes CDs... we didn't have MP3s or whatever) and blare it in the car... much to your surprise.
I guess part of my mockery is due to the fact that I'm just a teensy lil' bit jealous that I no longer have the freedom to express myself exactly how I want to. None of us Momcores have that liberty because our first concern is YOU and how our actions will affect your life... whether you're still little or almost grown, you're our first priority. Always. So if we give y'all a hard time, that's mostly why... ok and partly because we think you look like an idiot - (don't feel bad your grandparents felt the same about us).
But, as I said before, always remember: We Momcore bitches are the coolest of the cool, even if cool isn't cool anymore. And yes, we love the hell outta the little collection of weirdoes we've made. So here's to the future that Momcore made... We raise our collective Merlots to you