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Human, Woman, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend & Aspiring Unicorn Breeder

3.12.2015

Self Reflection and Stuff

I've certainly never had a proclivity toward niceness, but I feel like I've made great strides in being a nicer person over the past few years. I still have a problem with speaking my mind, though I try to temper it with (reasonable) kindness. 

But is that really a "problem" or is it just who I am? Is it both? Am I trying to reach an unattainable "nice" goal... and if I do reach some pinnacle of "niceness" is there a point where I'll stop being who I essentially am in order to spare the feelings of others? And would that be a good or bad thing?

At this point in my life's journey I feel like other peoples feelings are their issue and that if they're unable to control them that's their problem to work on, not mine. Of course it's never a good thing to be flat out cruel or mean, but where's that line... Where does my responsibility for my actions end and their responsibility for theirs begin? I guess I just have a difficult time ascertaining where that line is... 

Sometimes I wonder if maybe I'm a sociopath because of my complete and utter lack of empathy for stupid people. I also have a tendency towards narcissism, black & white thinking, and selfishness. None of those truths bother me. To me they are just that: Truths about who I am. They are what they are and I don't care to change those traits (except the selfish part... I actively work on that).

But then again I feel everything so intensely that I don't think sociopathy is remotely possible. I can physically feel mood shifts in a room, the feelings of others are tangible, and different energies in the air affect me on a physical level. 

It's almost like there are two souls inside of me fighting for control: one is a volcano trying to erupt and the other is a geyser trying to put the volcano out. They're equally as powerful and neither is giving up anytime soon.

Is it terribly odd that I both like and dislike these things about myself? 

Maybe I don't really want to change, per say. Maybe I'm just seeking balance. I believe it's a good thing to continually seek and grow... As long as I don't lose who I am in the process. 


2 comments:

  1. Yep, I'm certain. We share the same DNA......except for the Puerto Rican part but I could be surprised. I wrestle with this daily. I just have no time for stupid people. My husband tried to get me to be more patient and nice. He's just too damn nice sometimes. Bless his heart.. . . . . . which, by the way, really means fuck you to a Southern woman. :-) You know that right? I have a very low empathy score on my Birkman personality profile. Have you ever heard of that? I feel like I wrote this because I struggle with this daily especially in my work.

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  2. Oh yes, I bless people's heart all the time (fellow southerner). And my hubby is the nice one here too lol... Perhaps you're on to something with is being related hahaha!! 😘 I've never heard of that scale, but I'm going to look it up now!!

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