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Human, Woman, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend & Aspiring Unicorn Breeder

11.01.2015

How to Die -OR- How to Clean Floor Lacquer Off Of Your Cat

We're in the process of selling our home and so we've had to do a few updates. One of those updates is refinishing our floors. We're pretty handy, so we've done it ourselves. It's a fairly straight forward process and can be done in about a weekend.... straight forward, that is, unless you have animals. 

We've kept the dogs outside or crated but our indoor cat, Baby-Kitty (yes, he's spoiled), had to be confined to our room. Well, he got loose and decided to run straight through the freshly laid lacquer. I'm not gonna say who accidentally let him out (it was me, oops), but needless to say it was straight up HORRIBLE. 

It literally got ALL over his underside. Our fuck-up is your gain. So for anyone who ever has to deal with this, the following are directions for safely removing floor lacquer from cat fur.

You will need the following:
1. Fully enclosed metal bodysuit. (If you have one... you WILL be covered in scratches if you don't).
2. Peanut butter.
3. Dawn dish soap.
4. Bathtub filled with warm water. (HaHa. Yes I'm serious). 
5. Warm bath towel.
6. 3 full grown, powerfully strong adults.
7. First-aid supplies, and possibly EMS on standby, for all three people.

Now to fun part....
Cover the affected areas of your curious and slightly perturbed feline in peanut butter. 

Rub said peanut into the now violently angry cats fur while he tries to claw your arms off.

Next cover the peanut butter areas of your psychotic cat in dawn dish soap. At this point he should be trying to rip your face off with every appendage on his body. If he's not then you're doing something wrong.  

Now you are ready to dip the peanut-buttered, Dawn-soaped demon from the pits of hell into the comfortably warm bath water to wash and rinse him.

If you don't have a last will & testament prepared, now would be a good time to think about jotting your wishes down. 

Now it's time to wash and rinse the goop off of your furry friend... Haha just kidding... 

This will be a battle till the (almost) death. Seriously, your cat might fucking kill you.

Once you have completed this task, if you're still alive, bundle your drenched, seething monster, I mean cat, in the warm towel. 

If you've successfully scrubbed your fuzzy companion clean he will ignore you for the next 40 years, attack you randomly while you sleep, and piss in your shoes for all of eternity. 

But he'll be safe. And that's all that really matters.